Going to dinner with my colleagues and discussing with them about adult issues is making me feel kind of weird. All of a sudden I feel really grown up while I'm actually not. My attachment to my parents have also diminished. Nowadays I feel like they are quite irritating, but only sometimes. I feel that it would be great if when I reach home after work, there is nobody else at home except me. I kind of want to live alone. Atleast, that is what I thought until today.
But in retrospect, I don't think it is possible for me to live alone without my family, even if I am able to support myself fully. Atleast, I need a partner to live with. Like when I get married or something. It will still be great to have some privacy of my own at home, at certain times. Like having my own room, even after I'm married. But living alone for the entire part of my life is not my option.
I don't want and like to be reporting to my parents every reason and detail of what I'm doing and where I'm going. It is essential to tell them when I'll be back home and all that. But when they start taking control of my life, I will kind of hate it. And I'm glad that my parents don't do that so much. They trust me and I love them for that.
I notice that I'm starting to hate some of the things that my parents say and I'm still unable to rebut them in any way. If I do, they think of me as a stranger. A different person. They usually think of me as being sweet and concerned type of girl. But they still don't realise that I'm changing and my views are becoming stronger. Especially about my views on atheism. I have become an atheist. They don't approve this view of mine. Sometimes, we remain silent and do not discuss too much of this. I go to temples with them and put up an act just for them. All I can do is look at the statues from an artistic point of view and admire their creators. Thank goodness, they still do not know about other such opinions I hold. I can easily talk about such things to my friends but not to my parents. Afterall, they are our 'creators' and try to mold us in a way they like.
There is another issue I want to discuss in detail that is still on my mind, but I don't feel like doing it now. I might probably do it some other time his week. So until then...
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8 comments:
Something that I can very distinctly relate to.
I have, these days, started to wonder if its my mom that has changed... I never did seem to have problems with many things she said and did around, say, four-five years back. But I realise, with a slight twinge of guilt, that it is I who have changed. Not her. It sometimes hurts to not be as accommodating as I was and to see the disappointment in her eyes. But instinct often over-rules.
For example, when I come back home, and she asks, caringly, "So, where were you?" and I, disdainfully, respond with a "That doesn't matter, anyway, is dinner ready?"
I wonder if I've become callous or have become unable to stop myself from responding instinctively to people, especially when I know my responses won't have a saccharine effect on them. Strangers, I don't have a problem. But well, mom, you know, is a different case altogether.
I tell myself everyday that I will be more tolerant to "Sudhir, you ought to stop spending so much time outside", "Sudhir, your friends might take advantage of you" and well, so many examples where she just tries to help you but well, it has an exactly contradictory effect on me. Sigh. Growing up is such a problem.
You are not able to be what you once were and it hurts that people around you tend to wrongly conclude that it is because you don't love them as much anymore.
Hey Priya!
I've been living alone for the past 5-6 months and I truely TRUELY hate it. Sure, before I came to live alone, all I wanted to do was to live on my own. Everyday I want my parent so be with me. I know my parents and me have some very different views on a lot of things, but they do somethings just because they have to.
I understand and respect your views on being an atheist, but it's a big deal to your parents. It's a bigger deal than you or me could understand. It is something is a part of them and their ancestors. Wanting them to change their opinion the first couple times you mention something like that has got to be very hard for them.
But don't worry about it. Give it some time, but also...open your mind. You cannot close your mind up to their views and expect them to open up to yours.
I mean, think about it...you have questioned whether God is real or not right...and you believe that evolution is the reason we are here because you looked for your answer there. Did you ever sincerely, yes sincerely, look for answers in religion, in ancient manuscripts and such? Maybe you should look at it from there...open your mind to that world...discuss it with your parents.
-Logi
@ Sudhir
I agree with your last italised sentence. It is very true. I think parents should give space to their children. The problem sometimes is us. Whatever they express is out of the concern they have on us, whatever the tone is like. But it is us who mistaken it. And later we feel guilty of it.
@ Logitha
You talk as if I'm trying to convince my parents to say yes to my views on things. Actually that's not the case. Sometimes when I do tell them my views, they try to change me. Yes, I listen to their arguments but I do the final decision. I don't care whether they accept my views or not. But they should not intervene in my freedom to express my views when I'm on my own. You get what I mean?
I may sound like I'm being selfish. But my view is that being selfish is not wrong at all as long as it doesn't affect those around you. Afterall, everyone is selfish.
"Did you ever sincerely, yes sincerely, look for answers in religion, in ancient manuscripts and such?" Did I? Should I? And why should I? Is there any evidence that those ancient manuscripts were really written by a trustful person? Why believe in something that you cannot see while you can believe in something that you can see?
People say that science cannot offer the answers to what religion can offer. Probably you are one of them. But I don't think so. Religion too can't explain a lot of things. Science has explained how humans came about and how our primeval ancestors were just a unit of replicators similar to DNA. Could religion have explained such things with such stunning clarity and truth? Do those ancient manuscripts give such accounts?
I'll reply more after you reply to this. Kind of feel tired replying. See ya:)
Haha. Hey Priya!
Yes, I am one of those people. I believe in science more than most people would, but I stop only go so far with my belief.
It's hard to explain. For a long time too I didn't believe in a higher power, such as God. But things have certainly changed enough for me in my short life to acknowlegde that there is someone there. I have strong evidence(to convince even myself!)to know He does exist. I mean...think about it..would I just believe in him..for fun? or to find someone to blame? I struggled for a while accepting God..but it happened. I mean, for me, I think it's the most profound thing I've come to find out and understand.
But I honestly am not too worried about how we were made, or how we came here. I think I have already found a reason why I am here and that's all I care about at the moment.
But you know what, you are right. I know Indian parents very well (I have one..doh!). I know they can be a little selfish about their beliefs and they sometimes see the need to shove down your throat. But what to do....=(. It's almost like a part of our culture. haha
Logi =P
P.S. By the way, I was reading my previous comment and I sounded to hostile. I wrote it normally..but it just sounds so hostile. Hope I didn't make you think I'm mad. =P
By the way, I did want to tell you that I've done enough actual research...like you know finding out about ancient writings and the tales written in it....and found them to be true.
At least, true enough for me. =D
Logitha
Hi Logitha,
I replied in a friendly tone too. I hope I didn't offend you or anything. You asked me whether I've sincerely looked into the ancient manuscripts and all. I want to ask you back too.
You ought to read more, Logi. Have you ever noticed the glaring contradictions of the Bible and other manuscripts? You should read books like Bart Ehrman's The Story Behind Who Changed the New Testament and Why, Robin Lane Fox's The Unauthorised Version, Jacques Berlinerblau's The Secular Bible: Why Nonbelievers Must Take Religion Seriously, and Richard Dawkins's The God Delusion.
They are good books. I might seem like convincing you to become an atheist or something. But I know you wouldn't and I don't want to do that too. I don't want to change anybody's mind or their beliefs on something. I'm clear about my views. I also believe that life still goes on even if you are a non-believer.
I also personally recommend Richard Dawkins's The Selfish Gene. It's a very good book. All his books are great. You will really like his views and thinking. Search his name in youtube and you'll get a lot of videos on him.
Have a nice day, Logi:)
Hi Priya!
Thanks, I might take up your offer on reading the book. I've done a lot of reading.
The thing is...I've been in the exact position you are in Priya. And truely, it has brought no happiness. But I think everyone needs to do their own searching and find what is right for them.
Since you suggest a book, I recommend a really good site....
http://www.carm.org/atheism.htm
http://www.carm.org/evolution.htm
This is one of the many places I go to do do some reading. I have a few other books I would recommend, but just like you, I'm not trying to convert you or anything. haha.
By the way, you say that the Bible has many glaring contraditions. My rebuttal to that is...I've read the bible and I've met people who have studied the bible since they were children. And I simply say that I have yet to find any contradictions. Oh, but I have been confused sometimes...but I've met a number of people who have interpreted something for me and it has cleared my doubts.
But anyway, I really want to tell you something Priya.
You...really surprise me. I remember the shy quiet girl in my Primary school days. Now you certainly have blossomed. You write so eloquently! I look forward to seeing you do some really great things. =)
We really should meet up when I get back to Singapore. Go out for a movie or whatever. =D
Logi
P.S. I can't remember if you were vegetarian. Are you?
Hi Logitha,
Haha:) Sure let's meet up. I'm not vegetarian. I like to eat chicken and fish but not other meat and seafood. The contradictions in the bible and other religious texts are clearly quoted in the books that I've suggested. But nevertheless, what you have said is correct. Let's be happy to have arrived at some form of truth rather than believing in a delusion.
I have changed a lot, Logi. You certainly notice them because it has been a long time since we've seen each other. Hope to see you too:)
Priya
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